I've come to a place of accepting fear as part of this journey. I used to judge myself harshly for feeling fear. I felt that if I was fearful, it meant I didn't have enough faith. Fear felt like a massive failure - which meant that on top of the fear, I was adding even more fear (of being a failure) plus a heaping serving of shame and inadequacy. Not a helpful pile of feelings to try to dig out of.
This past year I've learned a lot about accepting my feelings for what they are without trying to change them. That first meant accepting my grief last October. Allowing myself to feel everything that came with losing a baby. Sadness, jealousy, hopelessness, fear, anger. Then this pregnancy with Virgil has been an experience in all the emotions, some pleasant and some much less so.
Guided meditation around acceptance of where I am has been so helpful. I've found myself giving myself more space to feel. Permission to acknowledge when I'm feeling things that seem ugly and are hard to look at. Grace to see those feelings and not judge myself for having them.
I think having acceptance of all my emotions is going to be important when Virgil makes his big debut in about two months (or maybe less!). Yes, of course when he arrives I'll feel joy and gratitude and flat-out in love with him, this baby we've loved and waited for for so long. But having a newborn is still hard! And just because this particular newborn is so long-awaited and loved doesn't mean that there won't be sleep deprivation and a host of difficult emotions that naturally come along with such a huge life transition. Letting myself know ahead of time that it's ok to feel those things, that I'm not a bad mother if I feel anger, sadness, and exhaustion, helps me feel more realistically prepared to enjoy welcoming Virgil into our family.
I do feel gratitude because - at least for this moment in time - I've been feeling less fear and more excitement about getting to meet Virgil soon. Days when the fear is overshadowed by the anticipation are days to be thankful for, and I am.
I'm at 31.5 weeks today, and in two and a half more weeks I'll be the most pregnant that I've ever been, since Maggie was born at the end of 33 weeks. Virgil's due date is in 58 days, which means in 44 days he'll be considered full-term and can come out whenever he pleases. It's wild and wonderful to realize we may have a baby at home in not much longer than a month!